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I am beginning to start my recovery process from past physical, sexual, emotional and religious abuse. I find it very difficult to move forward because in part i do not have the faith in God others think I should have. While the first 3 abuses are traumatic in themselves, the worst was the abuse of the pastors that told me I was unwanted by god, I could not and would not be welcomed into his kingdom, and that he would not forgive me for thoughts I have had. I am trying to reconcile all this and find that redefining God is the thing I would like to do the most because as it stands now the God I was left with is not the loving God I want to have in my life. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I have lived like this for so long, but the pain is so real. The hardest part is the churches i have gone to for help keep insisting I need to believe harder, pray more and I will get healed, that may work for them but it is causing me total despair. I know and believe in my heart God sent Jesus to die on that cross and raised him from the dead, but its still difficult to believe that the rest he did he did for me. My thoughts have been warped by past events I know, my question is if we can't go to the church for loving help with this healing then where as Christians do we go to heal? So that someday I can truly accept Gods love for me and know all his promises are mine as well. |